403 Days (and I am back)

It has been a few years since I made the time to sit down an write. A quick recap of what I have been up to in the past few years: went back to work, came back home, got diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis, started a home daycare and had another kid, known to his closest friends and family (and this blog)as Ninja. Great kid but gets into everything. Kid, the oldest one started kindergarten and comes home with attitude. Boy doing well. Dog still alive and fond of Kid and Ninja. In 403 days I turn 40. I am not okay with this. I joke that you will find me on that date curled up in the foetal position singing sad show tunes. I go through my day playing, doing house things, listening to music way too loud and forget. I look in the morning and don't see a middle aged woman....unless I lift up my bangs and see the line on my forehead. I look down and I do not like what I see. I have researched ways to restore my body surgically and chemically with wraps and lasers and lotions and am tempted. I put on this weight with two kids, a limited diet and being lazy. I have always hated exercise and loathed gym class as a kid. I am heedless so have a tendency to crash into things. So what do I do if I want to fight this stomach and that number? Starting today, I have begun an exercise regimen. I would like to monitor my diet but for me, every damn meal I "keep" is a victory. A huge victory if I actually get to enjoy it. There will be a few adjustments made to help me eat with more success. Apparently I can eat oatmeal....I won't enjoy it....it's gross. I am already getting it from under the evil (yet oh so good) influence of carbs. I am mildly celiac so maybe that would be a plan. I am my biggest hurdle to overcome. Gyms are awesome places full of happy, endorphin filled people. They also cost a shitload of money. I am a mom with a guilt complex who is not willing to spend that kind of money on myself. My therapist (yes I have one of those too)keeps trying to reinforce that spending money and time on myself is an investment in myself. Maybe someday I will finally feel worthy but not yet. I am also pragmatic so I downloaded apps. I am starting with a seven minute workout app for the mornings and then yoga with the kids in the afternoons. I started running last summer and will get out again in the spring with the new jogging stroller. Is this a lot? No, not really. So many of you are fit people and I aspire to be. I remember talking about fitness with a super fit (and possibly robotic) person I know and instead of being encouraging I got derision and discouragement. I can't. We read stories like The Little Engine That Could to our kids then turn around and discourage others from taking positive steps to make ourselves feel better. The next time you feel low on yourself pick your own damn self up instead of pushing others down. We need to stop this playground bullshit. After enjoying a fun and interactive workout with the Ninja I feel okay. I admit I ate a brownie (a small one) but damnit I started something good. I might need to incorporate the Ninja into my workouts as he decided to climb on my back for a ride during push-ups. But I started something and in 403 days I will still be doing this. I am not doing this for the boy so I feel attractive again. I am not doing this to become Iron Mom and keep up with my kids. I am doing this because maybe I deserve to feel better. Maybe I deserve to look better. Maybe I deserve to feel strong. Maybe I deserve this. So please stay with me and be patient and kind. I hope you enjoy this journey with me. There will be tears, triumphs and cursing, definitely cursing. Be Kind, Jen xxoo